Be happy when you puke =) -(originally posted 2015)
I was talking to an online friend who is about to visit both Ayahuasca retreat centers I have stayed with (he is doing 2 weeks at each). He shared with me a quote about purging he liked, and so I shared with him this story:
I have a funny story about purging....
First time I ever drank was at Nihue Rao with Ricardo (same as you soon!). First ceremony was gentle, as I only had a small warm-up dose. Nothing really happened, except one vision of a snake caressing me gently for a few minutes (maybe welcoming me?).
2nd and 3rd ceremony were horrible. I had no visions at all, was in intense physical discomfort and pain, and was having very painful puking fits. I was crying most of the time, and kept puking.... I thought I was puking out my entire soul at one pint it was so intense. After working with San Pedro for a month previous to this point, I was wondering: "Why am I doing this?"
I think I would have felt better about the puking if I knew what I was puking up, but to this day, I have never had any inkling what I have puked up in any ceremony (usually people see what they puke up, and it is usually trauma from the past). Everyone is different though.
At this point, I wanted to go home. San Pedro was much easier for me personally (my wife had the opposite experience at the time), and Aya wasnt showing me anything - just making me puke and hurt. But I reminded myself that I had committed to two weeks, and that if I didnt see it through, I would end up at home wondering...
Ceremony 4 changed everything. Started the same, but as I was about to start puking, instead of resisting the puke, I embraced it, and started dancing over my puke bucket like a snake. I smiled, and had the most gentle and loving puke I could ever imagine. As the vomit left my lips, my spirit left my body, and Ayahuasca showed me the afterlife. This is maybe the most ecstatic experience of my life, and probably the most blissed I have ever felt. Ayahuasca showed me the most primal and basic nature of my spirit, and gave me deep insight into who I am (know thyself). She also gave me deep insight into who she is, how she works, and her goal working with humanity (basically to save us from ourselves and stop our destruction). Before this time, I had never known such intense love and compassion from another being.
She also showed me that the painful ceremonies were so painful because I was resisting myself, resisting Aya, and basically clenching my entire body (physically and energetically). Since then, I always invoke the snake and sway over my bucket like a dancer when I puke. Ayahuasca taught me a lesson that day about joy - you can have joy in even the most difficult situations, and even when you are sick you can have joy. Not always easy - but you can do it.